A Complicated Grief

All grief is complicated. Whether your loved one was loyal and steadfast or not someone you could depend on, loss is complicated by memories, things left undone or unsaid, our degree of dependence on the loved one, or a million other things that come to bear on any relationship. When someone is taken from this earth permanently, a bright light is shined on our relationship. The sweet parts are that much sweeter for the loss; the sad parts are infinitely sadder, especially if they are unresolved.

Right now, a dear friend of mine is grieving the loss of two who were of extraordinary value in her life. By far, the biggest grief she has ever experienced is the loss of her father, a man everyone agreed was larger than life, had unparalleled integrity, and gave of himself and all he had generously. His tender and loving heart made encounters with him memorable for the many men and women whose lives he touched. Many of these encounters were transformational in the lives of others, yet his humility remained deep and real to the end.

Not everyone will understand about my friend’s other loss, but I include it because I have other friends facing this same grief, and I felt compelled to include it here. You see, about a year after losing her beloved father, my friend lost her loyal and constant companion, her dog Buddy. The grief upon grief she has experienced is only bearable because of her close walk with the Comforter, the Holy Spirit.

Another dear friend I walk out life with daily is also grieving. She has lost her sister that she served faithfully through many years of poor health and immobility. When you serve someone whose needs are great, they take up a huge portion of your life and a void is left when they go. You may be too exhausted to realize it at first, but you deeply miss the person who cost you of your time, energy, and strength.  

When I began to sense the Holy Spirit wanted me to write about grief, I went to the best role model we have for walking out our faith and that is Jesus Christ. Because He was fully man for over thirty years, He experienced grief many times. Some are recorded in the Bible, and I went there for guidance.

The most famous example of Jesus’ dealing with grief was the account of His losing one of His most beloved friends, Lazarus. The context of the story hints that Jesus was in the home of Mary, Martha, and Lazarus often. They were close. That is why some of Jesus’ responses to the loss of His good friend Lazarus may be puzzling. And His great love for the bereaved sisters may not be evident at first. What do we learn in John 11 from Jesus’ responses so unlike our own?

John 11

Now a certain man was ill, Lazarus of Bethany, the village of Mary and her sister Martha. 2 It was Mary who anointed the Lord with ointment and wiped his feet with her hair, whose brother Lazarus was ill. 3 So the sisters sent to him, saying, “Lord, he whom you love is ill.” 4 But when Jesus heard it he said, “This illness does not lead to death. It is for the glory of God, so that the Son of God may be glorified through it.”

As we will see throughout this passage, the way the Lord looks at our circumstances, even our losses, is radically different from how we look at them. We are ruled by our emotions, our earthbound perspective, and our inability to see the future. The Lord sees the end from the beginning. He saw His own life as purposed for God and He sees the lives of Lazarus, Mary, and Martha as purposed for God. He sees ahead to the ultimate purpose of Lazarus’ illness and death, to bring glory to His Father, and it does. This story has been retold countless times and has often helped me when I could not see the purpose of some loss in my own life.

5 Now Jesus loved Martha and her sister and Lazarus. 6 So, when he heard that Lazarus was ill, he stayed two days longer in the place where he was. 

An earthly response would be to leave in a flurry and rush home frantically. Jesus is never in a rush. He does not need to be. All things are under His control, and, unlike us, He is willing to suffer for God’s perfect will to unfold in its time. To the disciples, healing Lazarus is the obvious solution, but Jesus is wiser and more in tune with the Father’s will than that.

Nor is Jesus thinking of His reputation. He could have avoided snide comments about His healing power if He had rushed home to heal Lazarus, but that was not even a consideration. Serving God’s ultimate purposes in His life was more important than the short term gain of protecting His reputation as a healer and miracle worker. He trusts the consequences of the fallout to His Heavenly Father.

7 Then after this he said to the disciples, “Let us go to Judea again.” 8 The disciples said to him, “Rabbi, the Jews were just now seeking to stone you, and are you going there again?” 9 Jesus answered, “Are there not twelve hours in the day? If anyone walks in the day, he does not stumble, because he sees the light of this world. 10 But if anyone walks in the night, he stumbles, because the light is not in him.” 11 After saying these things, he said to them, “Our friend Lazarus has fallen asleep, but I go to awaken him.” 

Again, Jesus leaves the consequences of His actions up to His Father. He knows better than the disciples that the Jewish religious powers are out to stone Him and ultimately crucify Him. He goes anyway. Short term consequences, even His own pain and possible death, are not a consideration to Him. Our circumstances and consequences are often so painfully in our faces that we can barely imagine a longer term plan.

12 The disciples said to him, “Lord, if he has fallen asleep, he will recover.” 13 Now Jesus had spoken of his death, but they thought that he meant taking rest in sleep. 14 Then Jesus told them plainly, “Lazarus has died, 15 and for your sake I am glad that I was not there, so that you may believe. But let us go to him.” 

16 So Thomas, called the Twin, said to his fellow disciples, “Let us also go, that we may die with him.”

Here Jesus mercifully speaks plainly for the sake of the confused disciples. He tells them that by “fallen asleep” He meant that Lazarus had died. And He tells them His purpose, that they might believe. That we might believe was Jesus’ purpose for everything—coming to earth, dying, and rising again. His purpose informed every single thing He did.

17 Now when Jesus came, he found that Lazarus had already been in the tomb four days. 

Verse 17 is such a good reminder that Jesus, the Holy Spirit, and our Father God are not constrained by natural law or any power operating in the earth. They can (and have) overcome death, decay, and loss. They just don’t do it the way we humans look for them to do it. Though we don’t fully understand it, their way is always far better.

18 Bethany was near Jerusalem, about two miles off, 19 and many of the Jews had come to Martha and Mary to console them concerning their brother. 20 So when Martha heard that Jesus was coming, she went and met him, but Mary remained seated in the house. 

Once again, God uses Mary and Martha in His inspired Word to tell us that He knows how different each of His children is. We grieve differently, we praise differently, and we have different purposes in the Kingdom.

21 Martha said to Jesus, “Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died. 22 But even now I know that whatever you ask from God, God will give you.” 23 Jesus said to her, “Your brother will rise again.” 24 Martha said to him, “I know that he will rise again in the resurrection on the last day.” 25 Jesus said to her, “I am the resurrection and the life. Whoever believes in me, though he die, yet shall he live, 26 and everyone who lives and believes in me shall never die. Do you believe this?” 27 She said to him, “Yes, Lord; I believe that you are the Christ, the Son of God, who is coming into the world.”

Even a wise and accomplished woman like Martha, so loved by her Savior, needs to be instructed and taught until going to meet Him in Glory one day. Jesus has to clarify that He is not limited to raising Lazarus on the “last day,” but that He can raise him right now! Again, no limits by natural laws, time, or ability!

28 When she had said this, she went and called her sister Mary, saying in private, “The Teacher is here and is calling for you.” 29 And when she heard it, she rose quickly and went to him. 30 Now Jesus had not yet come into the village, but was still in the place where Martha had met him. 31 When the Jews who were with her in the house, consoling her, saw Mary rise quickly and go out, they followed her, supposing that she was going to the tomb to weep there. 32 Now when Mary came to where Jesus was and saw him, she fell at his feet, saying to him, “Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died.” 33 When Jesus saw her weeping, and the Jews who had come with her also weeping, he was deeply moved in his spirit and greatly troubled. 

I find these verses the most comforting of all. The sweetness of the fact that Jesus is moved by our tears urges me to go to Him more quickly and more often with my frustrations, disappointments, and setbacks. He would avoid the hurts of this earth for us if there were any other way, but our own sin and lack of adherence to God’s plan brought death and loss into the world, and we must deal with it. What is comforting is that He sees and cares and is with us through our grief.

34 And he said, “Where have you laid him?” They said to him, “Lord, come and see.” 35 Jesus wept. 36 So the Jews said, “See how he loved him!” 37 But some of them said, “Could not he who opened the eyes of the blind man also have kept this man from dying?”

Again, we see our Savior, Who is about to perform a truly death-defying miracle, tenderly weeping over His friend. And in this moment so full of tenderness and strength, He has His critics, His detractors. Be very sure, whenever you are most like Jesus, there will be people who will second-guess your actions, your methods, or your motivations.

38 Then Jesus, deeply moved again, came to the tomb. It was a cave, and a stone lay against it. 39 Jesus said, “Take away the stone.” Martha, the sister of the dead man, said to him, “Lord, by this time there will be an odour, for he has been dead four days.” 40 Jesus said to her, “Did I not tell you that if you believed you would see the glory of God?” 

41 So they took away the stone. And Jesus lifted up his eyes and said, “Father, I thank you that you have heard me. 42 I knew that you always hear me, but I said this on account of the people standing around, that they may believe that you sent me.” 43 When he had said these things, he cried out with a loud voice, “Lazarus, come out.” 44 The man who had died came out, his hands and feet bound with linen strips, and his face wrapped with a cloth. Jesus said to them, “Unbind him, and let him go.”

The moment arrives that Jesus had known all along would happen—the miracle of resurrected life and the defiance against all the earth robs humans of—Lazarus walks in new life. And we see Jesus praying publicly for the purpose of pointing to the Father as He always does. He could have raised Lazarus and basked in the accolades, but He paused to pray, to guide hearts to God.

45 Many of the Jews therefore, who had come with Mary and had seen what he did, believed in him, 46 but some of them went to the Pharisees and told them what Jesus had done. 47 So the chief priests and the Pharisees gathered the Council and said, “What are we to do? For this man performs many signs. 48 If we let him go on like this, everyone will believe in him, and the Romans will come and take away both our place and our nation.” 

To me this is the most victorious part of this story. When the Pharisees say, “If we let him go on like this, everyone will believe in him,” they are exactly right! No truer words were ever spoken. They are not submitting to the Lord, but they are acknowledging His power.

When your enemies attack you because of your effective witness, remember the example of Jesus. When you look at your difficult circumstances, remember that He can defy nature, man, and every opposing force.

And for those of you who are grieving, know for sure that Jesus is moved by your tears; He loves you tenderly in this moment; He sees every pang of grief; and He is working on your behalf right now, even though you may not see it His way yet. Help is on the way!